You Can (Not) Write A Good Story
by N1njaSn1p3rr
Summary: What happens when I write a self insert story? This. Basically a semi-serious, maybe funny (if you think I'm funny) look at what would happen if a layperson (AKA: me) entered Evangelion. Expect OOC in everyone and I curse a little bit. I'll think of a more clever title later.
1. Something?

_**A/N- I'm not aiming for something too serious, just a fun little self insert. Expect OOC characters, and after a while, i'm just scrapping the series's plot with my own probably worse one. It's gonna start off slowly, I just need to build everything up first, so, please, bear with me. I also am apparently unable to write in my native language, so please bear with that also. If you don't like various curse you might not like this. Short chapters cause I'm lazy. But, at least I can update more often.**_

_**Thanks, and enjoy! **_

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><p>"Saying stuff"<p>

_Thinking stuff_

**Noises or other stuff**

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><p><em>Damn, this headache is terrible.<em>

I opened my eyes. I was in what appeared to be a hospital bed. _This is__** not **__where I fell asleep last night_. I went to sit up, but then winced as I felt a dull pain all over. _I'm sore too, great._ _Did I do anything stupid last night, or, what? _All I could remember from 12 hours ago were blurry images of eating dinner, then sitting on the couch. _Ok, that solves that problem. But why am I in the hospital then? Did I have a stroke or something?  
><em>

I turned to check out my current residence. It was a barebones, desolate room. The wall in front of me was white, with no decorations or medical instruments. Just a solid wall. The wall to my left was the same but it had a small window. To my right was what I assumed was an IV, and a heart monitor, or whatever the hell those things were called, and a small nightstand. I looked around, trying to figure out my possibly bad condition._  
><em>

On my wrist was a hospital wristband. KUREK, HUNTER. 01.23.01 CONCUSSION, CAR ACCIDENT. _Wait what?! I didn't even drive last night! How the hell could I have been in a car accident? And was that number a patient number? It looks like a birth date. No, that can't be, I wasn't born in 2001._ This whole situation was just confusing and strange.

My arms looked different too, smaller, less defined, as if I were younger. "This is just...", I started, but my voice sounded different also. It too sounded younger. _No, this can't be. I'm probably just dreaming or something._ I pinched my face to make sure I was dreaming, but I felt it clear as day. I look at the nightstand, and saw my phone. _Finally, something I recognize. _I was about to unlock it when I saw my reflection.

I **was **younger. My face was more androgynous, my adam's apple basically gone, and my hair was down to my shoulders. _Wait, I sweartoGodif... _I gave myself a quick pat down to make sure I hadn't "changed"... _Thank God, that would have been weird, and probably out of some shitty fanfiction. I can deal with this maybe younger? me. _

I unlocked my phone, everything on it seemed the same as yesterday. JULY 13TH 2014. _Ok, guess I am 14.I need to find out where the hell I am..._ I checked my phone, as that was the easiest way to find out. It said I was in Tokyo.

_No. What? Pff,no. _There's no way I could go all the way around the world in 12 hours, while still sleeping, and becoming "younger". _But now that I looked at it, really looked at it, the symbols on these medical machines are in, uhh what was it called again? Kanji. Yeah, that. _I stared at one for a second, and then I felt a 'click'.

I understood what it meant. Not like reading where I knew what it sounded like and what the word was, but I knew its English equivalent. I looked up some random Japanese page, and after a second, could read it. _Well here's another thing to add to damn the list of freaky shit going on._

Interrupting my thoughts, a nurse came in. "How are you doing Hunter?", she said, but in Japanese. I understood it though. "I'm fine." I said English in my brain, and it came out in Japanese. _Ok, I can speak it too._ "That's good, you were out for a while." _Maybe I can play dumb, to find some answers. _"I..I was? For how long?" _Believable I guess. _"About 2 days.", she told me, calmly too. _That's probably why I'm so sore._ "Is it okay if I walk around a bit? I need to get some fresh air." "You can walk, but stay inside, you aren't recovered enough yet."

She helped me up and opened the door, as I was still a little weak. The hallway of the hospital was profoundly dull. White ceiling tiles. White walls. White floors. White fucking air. The nurse walked off once I was starting to walk on my own. To the left, the hall looked to extend forever. To the right, there were 2 other rooms, then a window.

Outside, there were skyscrapers everywhere. The sun was still somewhat near the horizon, so it must have been around 10ish. I was probably on a lower floor, as I could still make out the faces of people walking on the sidewalk outside. Then suddenly, a loud ass siren went off, and lights were flashing everywhere.

EMERGENCY EVACUATION-PLEASE REPORT TO YOUR DESIGNATED SHELTER. _Shelter? Why? Wait, where the hell do I go? _I looked at the street again, and it was deserted, as if no-one was there in the first place. I started to walk down the hallway, as it would be probably be safer than looking out a window.

**Boom, Boom!** I snapped back around to the window. That when I saw them. No more than 500 meters in front of me, standing to the right, was the purple horned Evangelion Unit 01, from a damn anime, in front of my fucking eyes. On the left, the 4th goddamn Angel. _Fuckfuckfuck no, fuck, this isn't real._ _This isn't some fucking self-insert fanfic. No,nononon... _I did not want this true.

Of all the possible worlds whatever sick bastard that put me in here could have chosen, it was Neon Genesis Evangelion. Yeah, piloting an Evangelion would be pretty cool, as long as it didn't involve fighting angels or stopping the world's souls from getting sucked into a giant Rei. And now not only do angels exist, but the King of Bastards does too, Seele does too, and all the pilots that will eventually go fucking insane do too. Fuck. The plan to tang everyone is probably in motion too. And of course, it'll probably be **me** that has to fix this shit. Fuck.


	2. Even More Boring Exposition

_**A/N- I don't actually have a "plot" for this, so if there is something that you want to see in here, I can probably put it in. With that said, enjoy the next chapter. Thanks**_

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><p>"Saying stuff"<p>

_Thinking Stuff_

**Sounds and stuff**

READING STUFF

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><p>The two giants that were before me hadn't moved yet. Unit 01 was reloading its rifle, and the angel was recovering from the magazine that Unit 01 sprayed into it. <em>I gotta move, it's not like I can do anything without an Eva.<em> Just before I turned to run down the hall, Unit 01 started to fire again.

**Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom. **The gun was fucking loud. I ran; or more limped quickly down the hall, for about a minute or so. How far I had gone was hard to tell, as the hall was unrecognizable, save to room numbers on each door. Eventually, I found a set of stairs on the right side of the hall. I went down. I was on the 3rd floor, so I kept going down till on the wall was a ''G'' plastered on the side. At least, that what I read.**  
><strong>

The stairwell spilled out to the ground floor, but also kept going down. SHELTER No. 17, down 4 floors. "That's it.", I thought out loud. I kept my decent up until I reached a room, and in the back, a large steel wall with SHELTER No. 17 written on it. It was smooth, and probably automatically closed once most everyone got inside. I looked around the room_,_ for a switch or button I could push. There was nothing. _Great. But, It's probably more safe down here then near the window. __I could always just bang on the wall._ Hey, it was worth a try. **Thud. Thud. **I waited. Nothing, after what could have been a minute. _It's probably too thick to hear anything. _

I sat down, as there was no point to just stand there. _Alright, I guess I can use this time to think about everything. Okay, so I'm in Neon Genesis Evangelion. All the characters and the plot seem to be more or less identical. This mean I know what shit is going to happen. And assuming I wasn't just brought here to watch everyone get liquefied, then I should be getting an Eva. If I tell anyone the truth, they'll either laugh me off or lock me in the loony bin, so I guess this is a one man situation. I need a plan._

_ Kick ass, Get Shinji and insane, and save the human race. I can do this. First, I'll have to make friends with Shinji, and that's probably not gonna be easy. If I don't go to live with Misato and him, it'll be damn impossible. I'm gonna have to talk to Rei, that shouldn't be too hard. Asuka though. She's gonna be a bitch. Literally and figuratively. Second: I'm gonna have to master my Eva; assuming I get one. I have no idea how that's going to go. It could be easy or hard for all I know. Lastly, I'm going to have to find a way to stop Seele and the Bastard's plans. Fuck that, I'll figure it out later._

"Hey, uh... you alright?" "Huh?" Tapping on my shoulder pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked up, and some boy was standing above me. He was wearing the same hospital gown I was, and had a cast on his arm. "Are you alright though? I saw you once the all clear was given and we got out of the shelters, and you were just in the corner, staring at the wall. You didn't have a concussion, did you?" "No, no, I'm fine, thanks though.", I quickly shot him back. _Well that was quicker than I thought. _I walked back up the stairs with the kid. He didn't say anything, and neither did I. Once I got back up to the 3rd floor, I just retraced my steps back to my room.

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><p><em>How long do I have to wait? <em>It had been a day since I had "woken up" in this new universe. From the nurse, and from a file she left, I learned that "I" had been in a car accident, and my parents were killed. Typical Eva backstory. I just blamed my "gaps'' in memory on a concussion. I also learned that "I" was born in America (just like real me) but my "Father" worked for Nerv and was transferred to japan when I was young. That explained why I wasn't illiterate in the land of the rising sun.

Save those small things, it seemed "my" life was similar to my actual life. Which was good, but sucked on one account: I was 4'10'' until Junior year of high school. Then, I started to shoot up and by college, was a reasonable 5'9''. Now, I'm younger, shorter, and have this long hair for some reason. Probably the fucker that put me in here's doing. Trying to fuck with my mind probably. I wouldn't be surprised if people think I'm a girl. As I sat there, I realized a boring truth: there was nothing to do in this hospital room; there were no T.V.'s, I couldn't walk around or leave, and my phone died because I didn't have a charger. I probably could have asked for one, but the nurse only came in every several hours. So there was nothing to do but sit here and think. I understand Shinji a little better, this is fucking boring.

Then, _someone _walked it. "I have a question for you."

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><p><strong>AN- boring and short, I apologize. I want to skip to the good stuff, but feel like I need to develop everything first. Soon though, it should pick up. Again, if you want it in there, I can probably fit it in. Do you think I should push it toward the less serious side now? I feel like it's just another plain self insert right now. Enough of my ranting, thanks for reading. **

**I was 4'10'', but only until freshman year. **


	3. Stuff Happens

**A/N- Alright, I think this one will better, and not too boring. And you are right, it's the same as any other self insert right now. Just let me develop everything and it'll get better, I swear. Anyway, Enjoy.**

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><p>"Saying stuff"<p>

_Thinking stuff_

READING STUFF

**Noises and stuff**

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><p>It was Misato. <em>About fucking ti... Wait...dammit, she's pretty hot. Just her hair and her...No! Snap out of it me! Dammit. <em>Some things just didn't transfer from screen as well, and so there I was, laying in bed, probably looking like an idiot. "It's very important, and we need your help.", she said. "O..O..Okay." _Shit. Why can't I talk straight? It's not like the first time I've seen a girl or anything. No, it's the hormones, I'm 14 again. Yeah, sure I was only 19 before and technically a teenager still, but there's a large difference between a 14 and 19-year-old kid's hormones. My prior experience didn't help either._

_ "_What do you know about Nerv? Have you heard of them? Your father did work there, did he ever tell you anything about his job?" _Better play dumb. _"N...No, not really. My father did say he designed weapons or something though." That was partially true. He did design weapons, I got that much from the hospital sheet, but he was high ranked, so I assume he worked on the Evas. It didn't say much else, but Nerv was tight about security, so I'm not surprised. Misato leaned in close to me and whispered "You know, Hunter, you're pretty quiet. I'd be a shame if you were like that in bed." "I...Uh..u...u..." I reflexively pulled back and my face felt like it started heating up. _Did she really say that? What? No? _ She waited a moment, then suppressed a laugh. "Relax, I'm just messing with you." She said, in that teasing tone she always did to Shinji. _  
><em>

_Alright, it's time to get my hormones to listen. _I figuratively grabbed the Id, and let the Ego and Super Ego beat him. _No more Id, brain. Ego or Super Ego from now on. These reflexes aren't going to help me right now. _Misato then asked me, "What did you see yesterday, if anything?" I told her about Unit 01 and the angel, but was as least descriptive as possible, so she wouldn't suspect I knew more than I should have. "Okay", she replied, hopefully satisfied I didn't know much. "How would you like to pilot an Evangelion?" My heart skipped a beat. Yeah, sure, I guessed this would happen, but predicting something and then having it come true is an awesome feeling. "Do you need a minute to think?"

"No, Fuck yeah, I'll pilot!"

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><p>The rest of the day was not as exciting. Misato had me sign a bunch of forms which basically sold my soul over to Nerv, tests were done to make sure I was alright (I was, no surprise there), and then I sat in my hospital bed, waiting until she came back to pick me up. <em>Fuuuuck. This is so boring. Why does no-one have a charger for a phone? Why are hospitals boring? How long am I going to sit here? <em>_Misato better hurry up. _

"Hey Hunter." _Right on time. _"You ready to go?" "Yeah, but where's my stuff? All I kinda have right now is my phone and this hospital gown." "It's being transferred to your new residence." "Uh..Where am I staying?" _I 'm probably going to be right on with my prediction, but better to play it safe. _"You'll be staying with me and Shinji, the 3rd child and pilot of Unit 01." Alright, that's cool." _I was right. Now how the fuck am I gonna get Shinji to talk to me, or be less of a pussy? _"Here is your Nerv Id, and tomorrow I'll have Shinji give you a tour of Nerv hq." "Okay." We then walked out to leave.

I'll just say that the car ride was as bad as you are imagining right now. But, I'm alive, somehow.

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><p>"Okay, here it it, my apartment." It was about 4 now. I looked around the rest of the apartment complex. Most of the rooms were empty, lights flickered, and it didn't look like it was the best of places. Misato opened the door, and let me in. "Hey Shinji, I'm home, and I have the 4th child here with me." To my surprise, the apartment was pretty clean. But beer cans and leftover instant food were still in the kitchen. "Ok, coming Misato.", Shinji replied. <em>He sounds even more depressed than in the anime.<em> He walked out of his room, and walked to us. This was when I slapped in the face with a reminder I was still 14.

Shinji had at least 4 inches on me, easy, and looking up at a kid you screamed at through your T.V. in hopes of setting straight was humbling, to say the least. It didn't help much that he just stared at the ground."H-Hi,...I'm Shinji.". "Hey, I'm Hunter." Then, awkward silence. Misato had had enough after 30 seconds, then pulled both of us by our wrists, walking toward Shinji's room. "You two are gonna become friends whether you want to or not!" She shoved us in there and slammed the door shut. "Both of you aren't going to come out untill I say so." "Hey, uh, Misato, where's my stuff? And what if we need to go to the bathroom or something?", I asked. "Your stuffs in his room, and you'll just have to figure the rest out."

I turned around from the door. In Shinji's room was his bed, a dresser, and 4 boxes. Shinji was in his bed, listening to his SDAT, back to me. _This is gonna be a long day._

**A/N- nothing earth shattering, but trust me, It'll get there, just give it time. And what do you think about the short chapters? Or should I do longer ones? I can update every other day with these chapters, easily. **


	4. Shit Goes Down

**A/N- 2 Updates on the same day, yes! But, anyway, here's where my money matches my mouth. Fuck Logic. You want a coherent story? Nope. You want an author that can actually use the english language? Nope. You want a serious plot with all the characters in character, the story is near canon, Gendo isn't a complete bastard, and to top it all of, Shinji isn't a pussy? Nope. You want shit that doesn't make sense? Bam. **

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><p><strong>"<strong>So, uh...Shinji, I guess we have to talk..." No response. _Damn, he shouldn't be this bad this early in the game. Might as well unpack. _I looked at the 4 boxes. How did I have so little? But, if you only packed personal belongings, clothes, and not furniture, it wasn't much of a stretch. Mumbling to myself, "Okay, these two have my clothes, this one has electronics, and this one...There!

My CD collection." This got Shinji's attention. "CD's? What kind of music do you like?" he asked. _Finally, something out of the kid. _"Before that, I have a question for you: what do you listen to?" "Well, mostly just classical." he showed me his SDAT as he replied. "I listen to some to, do you listen to Beethoven?" "Actually, I do."

_Okay, that's a start. _"Have you heard of Pantera?" "Uh...no, I haven't." "That's okay, I wouldn't expect you to know any American music." I grabbed a CD out of the box and got my CD player out of the other one. "Now...", I began, "This music will change you forever. It will make you a man. Are you sure you want to listen?"

This got a little giggle out of him. "Yeah, sure, it worked on you, didn't it? Especially with the long hair...and all..." "Ha,ha" I said to his little sarcastic remark with just as much sarcasm, "but, just trust me, you're gonna love it." "Okay, I don't see why not." I plugged the CD player into the wall and put in the CD, Vulgar Display of Power. Mouth for War.

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><p><strong>Right now the protagonist, me, is going to interrupt your regularly scheduled story to say a few damn words to the audience: "Listen to Pantera, even if you don't like metal. Even if you can't stand it, listen to it. Trust me, it's worth it. Right now, go to youtube. Yes, I'm serious. Do it. Okay, are you there? Now in the top, type in Mouth for War and search. Okay, turn up your laptop, ipod, desktop, ect. to as loud as you can. You still with me? Good. <strong>

**Click on that and listen to it. The whole thing. Do it. Does it look like I'm joking? Is this my jokey face? No. Listen to the damn song will let babies grow beards, gives children the same bloodthirsty urge that wild animals have, will make you punch some random asshole in the face, can get Shinji to not be a pussy, and will make your fists the equivalent of a class III lethal weapon."**

**A/N- Sorry about that, he stole my keyboard and knocked me unconscious. Next time you do that you little prick, I'll turn you into a girl instead, and lock you in a room with Asuka for an hour after I tell her you're after Shinji too. Oh, you don't think I have that power? Just wait till I switch it back to 1st person punk... **

**I'll take away a few inches from you, and I'm not just talking about your height...Don't make me beat the shit out of you in front of the audience, that'd be embarrassing. Again, sorry about that. Normally he never breaks the 4th wall and I don't let him deus ex machina the story. Oh, I know, what If I change it to script format, I know how much you love it.**

Hunter: Fuck You Author!  
>Shinji: Who are you screaming at?!<br>Misato: What's going on?  
>Hunter: Fuck!<p>

**A/N- I'm just fucking with you, but don't worry, you'll pay for that you bastard protagonist. Look at my face. Does it look like I give a fuck? No, your petty threats won't do anything. You think that's actually going to work? Go ahead and try it. Again, audience, I'm so sorry for all this trouble.**

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><p><strong>"<strong>Hunter? Hunter? Hey, you okay?" Shinji was shaking my shoulder when I returned from where ever I was. "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks." "You were like that for a good minute, you sure your okay?" "No,no,no, I'm fine, probably just from the concussion."

I raised my fists into the air and said, "But I'll make you pay, bastard."

"Okay, I'm just going to ignore that and pretend you aren't crazy...", Shinji whispered, as he slowly backed away from me. "I promise I'm not insane, please... Anyway, how did you like the song?" "Oh, it was good." "Alright then, lets listen to the rest of the album." So we did, and then after we talked. I talked about my childhood (which wasn't complete bullshit I had no idea of knowing) and Shinji talked about the angels he fought. I already knew what happened, but getting the 1st person perspective was interesting.

After about 20 minutes Misato opened the door and saw we were getting acquainted, so we moved to the living room. Shinji made dinner (thank god) and I just unpacked. He made some pizza, for my American tastes. Shinji was looking as chipper as ever. During dinner I told Misato the story of how I saved a planefull of people from dying when it lost an engine with just a paperclip, sweater, and toothbrush. But, that's for another day.

We divied up the chores, with Shinji cooking and cleaning the bathrooms, I would buy the food and clean the dishes, and Misato would clean the house. In theory, at least. We cleaned up, and then I went to bed, but I had to share a room with Shinji, until another mattress arrived.

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><p><strong>AN- Okay, hows that? But imagine the rest of the story like that. I hopefully won't have to intervene with the protagonist again. But seriously, I just wanted to develop the story a bit before I threw it off the deep end. From now on out, It's gonna be semi-serious, with only a few darker moments. Thanks. **


End file.
